tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
