My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
