Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dignity is for republicans.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
