yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
