ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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