Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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