I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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