Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
