..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
