coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
