i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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