You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
