If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
