Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize