I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
