I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
