I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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