I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i think my cat just said my name.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
