My hand turned me down
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
