Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
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No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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