21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
