He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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