Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
