when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
