By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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