I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
