Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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