i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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