She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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