I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
