I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
