Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
