Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
