Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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