For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
