Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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