I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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