Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
