Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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(516): View more from New York

i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Read it at the TFLN blog
(510): View more from California

I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

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(850): View more from Florida

He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME

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