Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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