apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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