im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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