How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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