I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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