i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My vagina is officially offended.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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