I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize