Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
