have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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