i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
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Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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