you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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