How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I use my feet as sexual weapons
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
