If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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