Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
