Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
