idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
