It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
