I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
