life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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