dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
