At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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