my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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