RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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